You know, I'm not real sure about this post. It's coming out of a lot of feelings and thoughts that probably haven't been thought through yet. The writing process should help that thinking through thing though, right?
Well, I guess you could say I've been having my own mini breakdowns of sorts lately. I'm not really me. At least, I don't feel like me. Am I really this angry, bitter, unfulfilled, and purposeless person I feel like lately. I know I'm not this person and it makes me all the more angry when I think about it because I don't want to be this person.
Honestly, It's been like this for awhile. I don't know when it started. Don't worry for those that do read this blog, I'll be okay. I'm sure. It's just one of those hard times that I'm sure I'll refer to later in life and realize it wasn't that bad. Either that or I'm learning something that takes a lot of trying. We all have those hard times, right?
When talking to my husband the other day about it all, I told him I just don't even know what's wrong with me. There are a whole bunch of things like unmotivated and unfulfilled that explain how I feel but I know that's not the real problem.
Someone please remind me to just keep swimming, just keep swimming! I hope you aren't all annoyed and saying, "quit complaining" by now but I think I'm going somewhere with this post. Maybe!
.....
See, I know I've said it before on the blog in so many words but I'm here again because evidently I still need it. There's one word that I think has lost true meaning in the world some days. It's called honesty. I mean real, pure honesty. Some days I ask myself is it really possible to be honest and nice sometimes? I find myself hiding the truth sometimes by writing or talking about rainbows and flowers, and all things happy when inside I feel like I'm ready to break at any second. It's those days that I feel more fragile than glass tumbling to the hard ground.
I know that I'm not the only who feels that fragile at times. I also know that some days we feel stronger than steel. Let's reverse it for a minute though. In all reality, most days it's the times we feel fragile that truly we are stronger. It's probably the days where we feel as though we're tired of seeing everyone else be helped and coddled (how do you spell that word); that in any split second we will break, although selfish at times, we are strong, stronger than steel. I'm not sure if this all makes sense to me yet. I'm not even sure if it's always true but I hope to heaven it is. I hope it's those moments of fragility (I think that's a word) that something deep inside me musters up every bit of courage in my being to be, although-it meager, the best I can possibly be at that moment, in that day.
You see, even though I feel angry, bitter, sad, unfulfilled, unmotivated, broken, and hurting a lot of the time lately I'm going to keep hoping that just means deep down I'm strong and growing even stronger. I hope you feel the same way and I hope that some day I'll look back and realize it wasn't that bad. Either that or realize that it really was that bad, however it taught me even better on how to be stronger. I hope it teaches my son that in the hard times, he's strong. I hope it teaches his children the same thing.
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