Ever since college I have had a great desire to learn more about and understand the life of Emma Smith, the wife of prophet Joseph Smith. I most definitely have not to live in the crucible she lived in but when I find times I am in my own crucible her life and the words the Lord spoke to her on occasion always speak to my heart.
This week I have found myself struggling to keep my head above water, my eyes open, and my heart set upon the horizon. It's been a hard couple months trying to get into a schedule that fits full time schooling in with my life as a mother and a wife, and the other many things I want to do with my time or feel that I should be doing with it. Some of you are probably tired of hearing about my little rants I've had about keeping up lately but I remembered today that I'm keeping a record of my thoughts, feelings, and life on here. It's probably more for me than anyone else!
School ends in two weeks and I'm trying to keep my grades up, Kamden has been sick with a runny nose, very bad cough, and a high fever most of the week. On top of that he is cutting about four teeth at once. I have hit a wall in my pregnancy where I am very tired, trying to pull through it without much luck. Nathan's work week has been a little hectic this week, going in early some days and working late other days. He has also ran into a few problems there that have caused him to worry and be stressed. We found out last week that they are calling Nathan as a primary teacher in the ward as well and I am stressing a little about how we are going to handle this with both of us teaching separate classes and a 15 month old who isn't supposed to go to nursery yet with a new baby coming in April as soon as Kamden is ready for nursery.
Throughout this week I have received tender mercies, I really have but at the same time I have felt Satan working on my thoughts constantly. My mind and heart have been weighed down with the thoughts of failure as a mom of why I can't handle my child and a primary class at once when I've heard stories of others doing it, why do I become impatient with my crying child when he is sick and hurting, why am I falling behind in school work, housework, laundry, and my goals for compassionate service towards others? This large looming thought of failure has been weighing my already tired body down until I have reserved hardly anything for my worried husband and my hurting child.
After reading on the blog of Nate's cousin about her thoughts on the subject this week I decided to work on these thoughts a little. As I write I still feel completely weary of my crying, sick child in the background, my laundry I haven't switched from the washer from 4 hours earlier, the dishes sitting in the sink, the dinner I haven't stored in the refrigerator, and the homework I have waiting in cyber space for me but there are twinges of hope mixed in there, little bits of faith, and courage that if Emma can endure her crucible I can endure mine.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf of The First Presidency of the church wrote an article called, "The Influence of Righteous Women" that I came across. I haven't even read it all yet but in the parts I have skimmed over my emotions already come to the surface.
In one dear paragraph he states, "May I invite you to rise to the great potential within you. But don’t reach beyond your capacity. Don’t set goals beyond your capacity to achieve. Don’t feel guilty or dwell on thoughts of failure. Don’t compare yourself with others. Do the best you can, and the Lord will provide the rest. Have faith and confidence in Him, and you will see miracles happen in your life and the lives of your loved ones." That is just one of the parts that have already jumped out to me.
One of my very favorite songs about Emma Smith is this one, How Much Can One Heart Take.
There's hope...there's good...there are tender mercies! Push Forward!